Thursday, January 20, 2011

Wanting children? Read this first.

I found this at Thursdays Kiss and could not stop laughing. It's so true!

Thinking about having kids? Do this 11-Step Program first!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

I still wouldn't change my babies for the world, though! Although it would be nice to stop saying "I am NOT your maid" at least 67 times every day.


12 people love me:

Tara Lauren said... [Reply to comment]

Holy crap is that funny! I just spit diet coke on my monitor!

Jenn @ Peas and Crayons said... [Reply to comment]

OMG perfect! I am actually thinking of having kids... I teeter back and forth. often. like it changes hourly! lol

Jenn @ Peas & Crayons

Tammy @ Type A said... [Reply to comment]

and don't forget the whiney. i wouldn't change my kids either, but i wish i had read this 7 years ago! lol too funny, so true.

EllensCreativePassage said... [Reply to comment]

This is soooo funny!

Brooke @ Finding Home said... [Reply to comment]

FRIGGIN HILARIOUS!!!! I will NOT show this to my husband considering the fact that I just talked him into getting a "daddy mobile" instead of a Trans Am so that we can have kids in the next year or so! Hahahaha Oooooo I'm so ready for motherhood!

-Brooke @ 20SomethingDesigns

Bella @ Bella before and after said... [Reply to comment]

SO VERY TRUE, you know I already reposted another great article from a fellow blogger, and this just goes with that so well, MOMMY LIES.

I'm going to repost this, and of course LINK back to you girl. It is just so great, I want to give my friends a good laugh.

Come read my mommy lies!!!

Thanks for being my newest follower, btw, I am so following you too, your blog is GREAT!!!

Bella :)

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

Oh my gosh, this is so true! Love it and thanks for sharing!

fuck you said... [Reply to comment]

LOL fantastic, we recently had to care for a very needy, noisy, drooly cat and THAT alone was enough to make us think about waiting just a leeeetle bit longer till we have kids...

Anna@Directions Not Included said... [Reply to comment]

I'm your newest follower from the linky party. Your kids are beautiful!

Unknown said... [Reply to comment]

I adore your sense of humor! Just started following thanks to the Homemaker... linky party :) I'd love to have you hop on over to mine:

Hot Nannie said... [Reply to comment]

So funny and true! I hope you will not mind if I share. I am not sure how to "link" to your post but I will share where I read this.

Danielle @ The Mad Ryno House said... [Reply to comment]

just laughed my butt off. even read it to the hubs. hilarious.

serious high five.